Video – Conversation with LGBTQ People

In other news while I was absent from here, I got together with a friend of mine a few weeks ago and made a video!

My friend Dee is starting Dark Water Ministries, “a ministry focused on bridging the gap between the LGBT community and the conservative community.” So we got to hang out one day and put our minds together to come up with a short video for conservative Christians who want to have conversations with LGBTQ people. The video just focuses on some simple does and don’ts and is only a few minutes long so take a watch.

Check out the video here, Having conversation with LGBTQ people

Check out Dark Water Ministries on their Facebook page here, https://www.facebook.com/lgbtbridge

Update

Hey All,

I haven’t written in quite awhile and I know. I hope you’ll forgive the long break.

My last post was shortly before the SCOTUS ruling on marriage. Immediately following the ruling, which legalized same-sex marriage in the eyes of the government in all 50 states, the internet went kinda nuts. By kinda I mean totally and completely, ridiculously, overwhelmingly nuts. It seemed to me as if every person who had an opinion on the ruling (good, bad, and in-between) and what it meant for the future of the United States, and for Christians in particular, was tweeting, blogging, vlogging, boosting, and sharing their opinion, and most were doing so in all caps and often harsh words.

I had no desire to become one of the voices in this tech-fueled screaming match. So I chose not to write for the time being. I have had some fantastic offline conversations with people from my immediate community in the lull, and I am grateful for those dialogues which I intend to continue even as I get back to writing here, hopefully regularly. I think things have simmered down a lot and I feel comfortable jumping back in with the hopes of writing thoughtful non-reactionary posts.

Thanks for hanging in there while I was gone.

Look for new posts coming soon!

Loving Well: What then should I say?

We all want to love the people around us well but sometimes we don’t know what that means or looks like. These “Loving well” posts will all focus on some specific ideas as to how you could improve your relationships with the LGBT people in your life.

Find Out Someone’s Preferred Terminology

The first suggestion was to avoid using the word homosexual to describe or identify someone. Okay, so you’ve removed that from your vocabulary, but now what do you replace it with?

It depends.

When you’re talking with an individual about their experiences of sexuality it’s best to talk on their terms. Follow their lead. If they use the term gay to describe themselves then you use the word gay as well. If they say same-sex attracted, that’s what you’re going to use. If they say queer, or lesbian, or bi, or same-gender attracted, guess what? You should use that terminology too. Remember, you’re trying to build a relationship with them, so let them take the lead in how they would define their sexuality and you follow, acknowledging their lead by accepting their language. If they are using multiple terms or have not seemed to offer a word for their sexuality, it may be appropriate to ask, “What terminology do you prefer to use while we talk about this?”

Now I’d like to offer some brief definitions of common terminology. This list is by no means exhaustive and the definitions offered may not be the only way these terms are used. When you meet someone who uses a word you’ve never heard before or you’re just not sure what they’re saying by the way they use it, simply ask what they mean.

Same-Sex Attracted (SSA): an individual who experiences attractions to people of the same sex as themselves.

Same-Gender Attracted (SGA): an individual who experiences attractions to people of the same gender as themselves. (SSA and SGA are often used interchangeably by Christians, but as sex and gender are different categories they do not actually have the same direct meaning)

Gay: an individual who is attracted to people of the same sex or gender as themselves. Used as a universal of anyone attracted to the same gender; and used specifically by men attracted to other men.

Lesbian: a woman who is attracted to other women.

Bisexual: an individual who is capable of being attracted to either or both sexes or genders.

Transgender, Trans*: an individual whose personal experience of gender does not align with their gender assigned at birth based on their external genitalia. The asterisk is indicative of the broad range of transgender experiences, including but not limited to individuals who experience gender in direct opposition to their gender assigned at birth, individuals who experience a mixing of male and female genders, individuals who experience no gender, and individuals who experience a third or more gender/s beyond male or female.

LGBTQ: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer

Queer: An individual who is gay or trans* or some combination. May be an individual who experiences their sexual identity as more complicated than simply gay or straight, or who experiences their gender as complicated making it difficult to define their sexuality, or who prefers to identify as queer for the purpose of reclaiming a term that has been used derogatorily.

As one reader kindly pointed out, terminology changes often. There are individuals and organizations that use and prefer older terminology, sometimes because it is what is most familiar and comfortable, sometimes because they are working to reclaim terms that have been used to perpetuate hatred in the past. You may encounter someone who prefers terms that you think are offensive. This is an awesome opportunity to love them by using their preferred terminology and an awesome opportunity to grow in relationship by learning why they prefer those terms. Ask genuine questions. Listen thoroughly to their answers. Respect their preferences.

Further, you may evaluate not just the words someone is using, but the way they are being used. Perhaps you are having a conversation with a friend who is new to discussing LGBTQ issues and they use terminology that you find offensive and frustrating. Take the time to think through whether they are being intentionally insulting or they’re simply using the best words they personally know. Most likely (if this truly is a friend) they are genuinely interested in learning and you freaking out on them for using the wrong word won’t exactly keep their interest in the topic. More likely it would turn them away if they feel suddenly attacked and don’t even understand why. Try to hear them out and accept their conversation and questions with love and grace. And, if it’s fitting calmly explain to them what may be inappropriate about their language and offer more suitable terminology in replacement.

Loving Well – Stop Calling People Homosexuals

We all want to love the people around us well, but sometimes we don’t know what that actually means or looks like. These “Loving Well” posts focus on specific ideas as to how you might improve your relationships with the LGBT people in your life.

Stop calling people homosexuals.

Words mean a lot. Sometimes choosing the wrong word can communicate an entirely different message than the one we intended. This happens a lot around this subject matter in particular. That’s because there is a vast amount of terminology, and on top of that some groups use the same terms to mean different things. Further, even if everyone in the conversation understands the direct definition of the word, that word could carry extra baggage for some because of the way it’s been used in other situations.

One word this happens to all the time is “homosexual/s.” Christians are usually very familiar with this term because it is used in several Bible translations. So often I hear phrases from Christians like, “homosexual attraction,” “homosexual marriage,” “Did you hear about that big march in D.C. by all the homosexuals?” Most of the time, Christians are just using the most descriptive term they know for the situation they are trying to describe. The issue is, for LGBT people there is tons, hear me TONS, of negative baggage and connotations attached to the word homosexual, and especially to being called a homosexual. Think of the media coverage of protesters holding signs like “homosexuality is an abomination” and “homos burn in Hell.” These are the images that flash through my mind when someone says, “I don’t know if we have any homosexuals in our church.” I think maybe that’s because you are referring to them as homosexuals, so they may feel it’s not a safe space to be known. There is a long history of gay, lesbian, bisexual and trans*gender folks being bashed, harassed, bullied, assaulted, and killed by those carrying signs and shouting slogans about ‘homosexuals.’ Thus, especially to non-Christian LGBT individuals, this is a huge turn off to conversation. It is a flag in their mind saying you may very well not be a safe person to talk to or be around.

Remember that saying “sticks and stones will break my bones, but words can never hurt me” I hope by now you’ve learned that words CAN hurt people!*

Pretty much every LGBTQ person who keeps getting called a “homosexual”*

This is what should happen with your words, see how everything stopped!*

Alright, now there is a little bit of nuance between ‘homosexual’ and ‘homosexuality.’ While the former is a way of (often negatively) labeling an individual, the latter is a term that is still proper and acceptable as a scientific description of a form of sexuality (homosexuality, heterosexuality, bisexuality). Thus if you are reading, writing, or talking about scientific research it may be acceptable to use the term ‘homosexuality.’ For example, you may wish to say “Modern science has not determined what causes homosexuality.” When you want to use the term homosexual, take a moment to ask yourself, ‘Am I referring to a certain form of sexuality or am I referring to a person or group of people?’ In the former case , you could say homosexuality, if it seems the best fit. In the latter, take a moment to think of a more appropriate term.

What then should you say, if you cannot say homosexual? More to come on that question in the next post! In the mean time try Google searching definitions of LGBTQ and you’ll find a whole world of terminology at your finger tips. Also take a look at some of the links on my resources page. Several of the sites offer definitions and general descriptions of common terminology.

*Comics from Allie’s hilarious site, Hyperbole and a Half: Please Stop

Loving Well Series

The more I open up about my own life, and the more I interact with other Christians around the topic of sexuality, orientation, and loving LGBT individuals the more I realize a lot of Christians WANT to do the right thing. Most Christians I’ve spoken with want their LGBT friends or family members to feel loved and cared for, they want their Churches to be safe places for LGBT youth and their parents, they want all people to know the love of Christ and the grace of God through them and through their friendship.

But just having the desire to do these things does not get them done.

In my job I work with a group of teenagers who are in a drug and alcohol recovery program. We work with them to teach an introduction to the 12 steps. When we talk about step 3 (We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood him.) we spend an entire session focusing on the beginning phrase of the step, “We made a decision…” We discuss decision making and how it is the start of doing something, but a decision in itself does not get the thing done. The example offered by my coworker is, “If my car were to break down and I make a decision to get it fixed, I still need to go through the actions necessary to see that it does get fixed. Like calling a tow company, choosing a garage to take it to, and paying for the parts.” A decision in itself is a good start, just like the desire to love LGBT people is a good start, but action steps must follow or nothing changes.

Here is where I often see problems with many well meaning Christians – they don’t know what the next step is. Many people have a concept of what being loved well looks like to them, but we don’t all need (or want) the same things, and they aren’t sure what the LGBT members of their congregation or community need and want. So, I’d like to explore a few suggestions throughout several posts as to how Christians can better relate to the LGBT people in their lives.

This series of “Loving Well” posts is focused on practical ideas and suggestions that many help Christians love their LGBTQ friends and neighbors in a way that is more able to be received and perceived as loving. After all as Christians we are to be known by our love (John 13:35), but if we don’t know how to love those who are different from ourselves, those who may be hard for us to love, then how are we any different from the world around us? (Luke 6:27-36)

Moving Beyond Marriage Debates

This past Tuesday the Supreme Court began hearings on the constitutionality of states outlawing marriage between two individuals of the same gender. The internet world is abuzz as to whether the constitution protects same-sex marriages and whether states must recognize those marriages.

Regardless of your theology concerning politics, regardless of whether you support or discourage the legalization of same-sex marriages, regardless of whether you share articles on Facebook or you march in D.C., I have a question for you:

Is marriage really the most important justice issue with regard LGBTQ people?

I know a Savoir who says, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30). I know a God who says, “I desire mercy, and not sacrifice, / the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.” (Hosea 6:6) and asks, “what does the Lord require of you / but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” (Micah 6:8).

The Law of God is to “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 22:37-39) and when asked who a neighbor is Jesus told a parable of two men who were societal enemies and of a deep love, care, and sacrifice that saved one man’s life (Luke 10:25-37).

I know a God who made provision for widows and orphans and eunuchs and foreigners, all some of the most outcast, ignored, and repressed people of Jewish culture. But God cared for them, even when humanity didn’t. The people of God are told to do justice and care for the widows and the orphans (James 1:27). God welcomes the foreigners (Isaiah 56:1-8) into God’s shelter and grace and provides ways to access God and to live among the people of Israel. God welcomes in the eunuchs and gives them a special promise that they wwill not be cut off (Isaiah 56: 1-8).

I want to be very clear here. I am NOT advocating for a gospel of social justice. What determines salvation is the grace of God by faith, not by works (Romans 3:19 -25). Yet we serve a God who cares deeply about social justice. Jesus spent his time with and worked miracles for the most ignored people of the time – widows, lepers, roman centurions, tax collectors, prostitutes, the blind, the lame, the demon possessed, even the man who would betray him. Jesus went to the fringes and there he loved and healed.

If we are called to love like Christ, and we are (John 13:31-35), then we should be going to the fringes and loving those we find. One fringe group in our culture is LGBTQ people, especially youth. Statistically about one in ten people are LGB – whether they identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, same-sex attracted, struggling with SSA, or some other term – you likely know someone already. When it comes to trans*gender populations the statistics are more uncertain, some say one in 1,000 others say one in 100,000. But trans* people exist and you may know someone.

For LGBTQ youth the rates of abuse, homelessness, bullying, depression, and suicide are all higher than the average teen (Check out some stats here and here). What these hurting individuals need is not a debate about the biblical and political definitions of marriage and whether or not they should align. NO.

NO! They need safe, non-violent, loving adults in their lives. They need homes where they will not be abused or thrown out. They need counseling to cope with the condemnation and aggression they face, to help them heal, to see themselves positively and with value. They need people speaking hope into their lives. They need teachers and administrators and clergy who will not stand for bullying in their schools and communities and churches. They need to hear that they are valuable human beings created in the image of God, they are dearly loved, and the gospel of grace applies to them.

The enemy has many ploys to distract us from the heart and work of God. Perhaps one of those is to misdirect our efforts into ventures that may be of little consequence. Are our efforts, either to further or to end same-sex marriage legalization, bringing life and hope to those who need it most? There are LGBTQ youth in need right now. Are we really loving mercy and acting justly?

Lessons Learned from Coming Out of the Closet

Closets are nothing new to most of us. Recognizing we are in and working to get out of some kind of closet is actually quite familiar to us all if we’re honest. We are continually learning and discovering new things about ourselves, and as we do we often want and need to share those things. Sometimes these are little coming out moments, for example, when a young child changes their favorite color for the third time this week and happily announces to anyone who will listen, “I love the color purple!” Some of these moments are more difficult, like a teenager telling their parents they are failing algebra, or that they no longer want to be referred to as “Princess” no matter how great they thought that nickname was as a child. Other times these moments seem insurmountably hard. Telling your spouse you lost your job, telling your family the cancer is back, or telling your children that mommy and daddy are getting a divorce.

The thing about those big, scary, hard-to-come-out-of closets is that they are also the worst to be in. The whole time you’re locked in there, you are tearing yourself apart with anxiety, self-hatred, and fear. You become really good at imagining all the worst possible reactions of your family and friends when they find out. You try hard to convince yourself that maybe you actually like it better in here. The dark and quiet is comforting, you don’t need other people, you can get by without being really known, and you can figure this out alone. But eventually, the time comes when you realize you don’t like sitting alone in the dark and the closet is small and uncomfortable, and you would rather be known even if it’s hard. It’s time to come out.

Seriously, its time to get out of this closet. That’s too small to stay in!

These big coming out moments aren’t easy, but here are a few things I’ve learned from my experiences coming as queer.

1. God is never surprised by any closet we are in. God knows us more than anyone knows us, more than we know ourselves. Even if we are lying to our friends and family and ourselves, even if we’re trying to lie to God, God still knows all of who we are. We will never choose to open ourselves more fully to God and get the response, “Oh my Me! How did I not know about this closet? You were in there this whole time? Wow, have I got a story for Jesus and the Holy Spirit tonight, they’ll never see this coming!” No. Besides the fact that God probably talks nothing like that, God also already knows about your closets and is not surprised by your coming out moments. (Psalm 44:21 Would not God find this out? For he know the secrets of the heart.)

2. You’re probably mentally blowing it out of proportion. Most of us have a tendency to be far harder on ourselves

If you’re expecting this no wonder you’re scared to come out!

than others are on us. If we are expecting the world to fall apart, people to disown us, and mobs with pitchforks to show up at our house we are not going to want to come out anytime soon. Sure, if you’ve done something wrong there will probably be consequences, but usually those aren’t even as bad as you’re imagining. So try taking a deep breath and thinking about how you would react if someone you loved shared this news, chances are they will act much the same way when they hear it from you.

3. Some people just know how to love well. You know who they are; they’re the ones who you could say anything to and they would still give you a hug and tell you they love you. There will also be people who don’t know how to love well, who will react poorly to any news. Save those people for later, after you’ve gotten more comfortable with coming out about this particular subject. First, go to the ones in your life who will wrap you in a hug and tell you their only regret is that they didn’t know sooner and you had to go this alone for so long.

Start with the people who know how to love you well.

We’ve all got closets in our lives. Sometimes they’re little closets which we easily burst the door open to and strut into the living room. Other times they are big, dark closets where we run around inside panicking and trying to find out if there even is a door. Either way, we can take comfort in knowing we all have closets to come out of, and with every closet left behind we encounter greater freedom in being known for who we really are.

Find this post interesting? Check out this TED talk by Ash Beckham. She shares some of her own thoughts and lessons learned about coming out experiences.

Identity In Christ

At the core having an identity in Christ means Jesus defines who I am. It means at the end of the day, what God says about me is true regardless of what anyone else says, regardless of what even I say. It means whatever I think, whatever I feel, whatever I say or do is not the final word on the matter. God gets the final word. Okay, easily enough said.

But what does that look like practically? It’s hard to write about because, practically, it looks different in different people’s lives. Determining what it means to live out an identity in Christ depends on what you do, where you are, who you’re surrounded by, what you know, what you are good at, and how God is leading at that time in your life.

So rather than making some very vague (though true) statements about identity in Christ that would be applicable to everyone (for example it looks like evidence of the fruit of the Spirit in your life), I would like to write a bit about what identity in Christ is not.

Identity in Christ is NOT Christians running around shouting, “I am who God says I am!”

“I AM WHO GOD SAYS I AM!!!”

When someone asks you about yourself, chances are, you don’t start listing descriptors based on Biblical truths. Personally, I have never responded to, “Tell me about yourself” with statements like, “I am a child of the Most High King. I am dearly loved. I am redeemed in Christ. I am a sinner saved by grace.” All those things are true, and those are the most important things to know in seeking to live my life to honor God. But those are not the kinds of things we usually share when we are talking about who we are, as in our personalities. In those conversations we share our likes and our dislikes, our passions, our downfalls, our thoughts and our feelings. Where those two things collide (identity and personality) might be when we get deeper into a discussion and the conversation moves from things we do and don’t do to why. At that point in time it may be more natural, and more appropriate, to discuss pieces of our core identity and how that identity shapes our day to day lives and actions.

Identity in Christ is not becoming exactly like Jesus in every way.

Hear me out. If it were, that would mean all Christians would be slowly turning into Middle Eastern Jews. Our complexion would be changing, our facial structure would change. All Christians would also be turning into males. The Bible doesn’t tell us much about Jesus’ minor personality traits, but we would be developing those too. Suppose (just for the sake of the argument) that Jesus really liked the color orange, didn’t like the taste of figs, and loved salted fish. Guess what? All Christians would be developing those likes and dislikes too! But sanctification is not becoming the same personality as Jesus, or literally turning into the same exact person.

Historical Reconstruction of what Jesus may have looked like. We are not morphing into this.

Sanctification is actually about becoming more of who we were made to be in our uniqueness. God designed each of us to individually reflect the image of God in a unique and beautiful manner. Yet sin (both sin nature & sinful actions) in our lives bends and distorts that image. Becoming more like Christ is experiencing more and more of who God intends us to be without that sin problem. We reflect more of the character of God, while each having our own personalities.

Identity in Christ is not claiming things that are presently untrue in the hopes of them becoming true.

God gets the final word on who we are. But that doesn’t mean we ignore, cover up, or change our language to hide the reality of our experiences. In Christ I am forgiven and redeemed. Yet, it is true that I have sin in my life, both sin nature and sinful actions. It is also true that all sin will one day be removed from me (including temptations to sin). But it is not true yet. Having my identity in Christ means I can simultaneously hold what appears to be contradictory truth, that I am still a sinner and that I am entirely cleansed by Christ and free of sin. It is when I claim one without the other that problems arise. If I ignore Christ’s redemption I fall into despair in light of my sin. If I ignore my sin I go on sinning with an unrepentant heart. A mature identity in Christ trusts that God can hold both those truths side by side and seeks to hold them both myself.

Why Queer?

In my last post, I explored the understanding of all people as image bearers of God. I think this is a crucial belief for Christians. If we strip others, especially others we disagree with, of this image-bearing quality, then we disregard the design and work of God in their lives and beings. I also noted that a holistic understanding of an individual is vital. Valuing someone for all of who they are helps us avoid confining them and their identity to their LGBTQ status.

But there is something to saying I am queer. Though it’s not all of who I am, it is a part of who I am; when I say I am queer I am saying something about myself. So what do I mean when I say I am queer?

You may also be wondering why I choose the word queer, rather than same-sex attracted (SSA), homosexual, or struggling with SSA? While I could go into a Biblical and linguistic hermeneutic to explain why I think it’s appropriate and helpful to use language such as gay or queer, such discussions are not new territory. Many thoughtful pieces have been written on the subject. Check out Spiritual Friendship (shared blog space with posts by many authors) and this list of posts on labels and on identity; A Queer Calling and their posts about An Ungodly Identity, the Language Police, Alphabet Soup, and Don’t Say Gay; Julie Rodgers’ blog and her post Can the Gay be a Good; and the blogs of Eve Tushnet and Melinda Selmys who have both written on the subject as well.

Since so much other work already exists, and at this point in time I would not be adding to the conversation, only repeating arguments of others, I would rather give you a brief explanation of why I personally prefer the term queer.

In the past queer has been used against LGBTQ individuals as a derogative slur (and can still function as one today). A quick look up on dictionary.com will define queer as “strange or odd … unusually different.” But some LGBTQ individuals are reclaiming and redeeming the word queer. We are in essence saying, yes, we are different, there is something about how we experience our sexuality or gender that may be a bit odd, but that does not have to be a bad thing. We can be happy in our uniqueness and we can claim it without being shamed by our strangeness. As a Christian, I find this concept quite beautiful. The fact that I know God is about redemption, that all things are being redeemed, and that God does not always work in conventional ways gives me a special appreciation for the parts of myself that are odd. I enjoy actively reclaiming what some would see as negative in my life; to me being queer is not a bad thing.

Further the word queer offers a term for those who find their sexuality or gender hard to articulate and difficult to categorize. I find I prefer queer because I am one of those people who doesn’t fall neatly in the lines. My experience of gender is fuzzy, at best. I have neither a strong connection to femininity nor masculinity. I tend to feel most comfortable when my expression is more androgynous, though I have some days when I feel more connected to my body and some days when I feel very disconnected and confused about my body. Then, when it comes to sexuality, which is usually defined based on one’s gender, my starting place is already a bit skewed, since my gender experience is blurry. Further, when I experience attraction it is to individuals of the opposite sex, but the attraction is almost entirely romantic, not sexual. In fact, the concept of sex is something very close to horrifying in my mind. Body fluids are disgusting. No part of me wants to touch someone else or be touched in that way. I am on the asexuality spectrum. I am not, however, aromantic. I do experience romantic attractions and when I do, I usually feel like I would just like to hold someone’s hand forever, like I want to tell them everything about myself, and learn everything about them. Most of the time when I talk about my sexuality and/or gender it is neither necessary nor helpful to try to explain all that.

Using the word queer allows me to say something about how I experience the world without trying to articulate the intricate complications of my experiences.

Asexuality Flag

Genderqueer Flag

Identity

One of the biggest concerns I encounter from Christians is the fear that someone who calls themselves gay, lesbian, or queer is defining him or herself in a way contradictory to their identity in Christ. I think this comes from a misunderstanding of both what a person is saying when they say they are gay and a misunderstanding of what it means to have one’s identity in Christ. I’d like to explore this in two parts. This post will focus on what being gay means to one’s personal identity. The next post will focus on what being in Christ means to one’s identity.

The language in and around the LGBT community has changed over time to reflect the shift in understanding of human sexuality from one based on actions (a man who has sex exclusively with other men is gay) to an understanding based on sexual and romantic attractions (a man who is attracted exclusively to other men, regardless of his sexual activity or lack thereof, is gay). Due to a mental ingraining of this antiquated definition of being gay, I think we have a tendency to hear someone the word gay, and think of gay sex. If we hold to a traditional sexual ethic we quickly link gay sex to sin. Thus in nanoseconds of learning one fact about someone, we have categorized them negatively in our minds. We, the listeners, are often the ones who decide that an LGBT individual’s orientation is a higher identity than God’s image in them, or God’s Spirit filling them. We don’t like the things that pop into our minds when we hear the word gay, so we figure the people who describe themselves as gay must be bad too.

When I tell someone I am queer, I am describing only a small piece of my experiences; I am not asserting my orientation as the sole definer of who I am. In fact, I don’t want to be viewed as only gay, there are many components of my identity and personality that are fun, interesting, difficult, broken, beautiful, and worth getting to know. What if we could accept someone who is gay or lesbian for the whole person that they are? How do we begin to shift our minds away from that former definition based on gay sex, to the modern understanding of gay orientation and see someone’s gayness as a small piece of a larger and infinitely valuable person?

“So God created man in his own image,

in the image of God he created them;

male and female he created them.”

Genesis 1:27

I suggest trying an exercise something like this one. When you first learn that someone is gay, lesbian, or queer and you start to experience that ingrained reaction of defining them by their orientation, as soon as possible take the time to begin a list of other traits you know to be true of this individual. If you’re in a conversation it can be a quick mental list. Though, if you have time to sit down and make a written list that’s even better. This will be easier if you’ve known them for a while. Nonetheless, if you’ve just met the person you can still glean details about who they are from your time together. Think about what they look like, where they’re from, any hobbies they mentioned, what job they work (maybe they love dogs, hate cats, are white, 27, have green eyes, like old-timey cars, and black & white tv shows). All those things you knew to be true before you learned they are gay are still true now. All those things you just learned about your new friend (co-worker, parishioner) are as true as well as the fact that he or she is gay.

People are multi-dimensional and complicated. Far more complicated than trying to solve a Rubik’s cube.

Before you finish your list, and I would recommend even starting the list with this if you can, add one more item. Write out: ‘This individual is made in the image of God.’ As Christians we believe all people are image bearers, thus both Christians and non-Christians alike reflect God’s beauty, goodness, joy, peace, and love, and are of infinite worth. If you know this person to be Christian you can also add, ‘are filled with the Spirit of the Lord’ because we know that God has promised his Spirit to all believers.

“In him [Jesus Christ] you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit”

Ephesians 1:13

When we take into account a fuller understanding of an individual we prepare our hearts and minds to better love and care for them.